Thursday's Clinic Visit and a vent

Kaitlyn had a clinic visit yesterday. The visits are pretty routine these days. We go in, she gets weighed, they check her height & blood pressure, we wait....then she gets her treatment and we go home. This week, she got a shot of Methotrexate in her leg. We were there about an hour.

At this point, she is off of the steroids and her mood is returning to normal. Although, she is a very moody toddler these days. I don't know if it is because of all that she has been through or because she will be turning 3 next month, but man between the attitude and the screaming - I am going to lose my mind!!!

Bear with me while I vent...

Lately, I feel like the worst mother in the world because my patience level is wearing very thin. I am sick of being stuck in the house with a cranky 3 year old!!! IT MAKES ME CRANKY! I feel like I do a lot of yelling and I hate myself for it. I wish I had more patience or that spring would come a bit quicker. I am really worn out and bitter lately. I hate what this disease has done to our happy little social life. Katie and I were very active before her diagnosis and I hate that now we spend most of our days in the house and she spends a lot of time in front of the television.

I look at Kaitlyn and I see how much this disease has changed how she looks and it breaks my heart. I think about how it has changed her as a person and that breaks my heart too. Why did this have to happen? Why us? Why her? After nearly 5 months, I still ask those questions and I still hope for the answers because none of it makes any sense to me. I spend my days just doing what has to be done for Kaitlyn and I wait for the day when this will all be a distant memory. I read stories about other children that have lost their battle with this dreaded disease and I wonder, what if? Oh my God...WHAT IF? I can't bear the thought of a life without my beautiful little girl and I refuse to even think that it could be a possibility in her case. I am so sick of the fear...I am SO SICK of crying...I am so sick of Leukemia.

Every day, I try to go on with life as if this is just a simple bump in the road, but the reality is that it is all I can really think about. What medicine does she get today? What is the dose? Do we have clinic tomorrow? What is she scheduled for? Are they taking blood? Where does the EMLA cream have to go? When does her next cycle start? Do we need refills on any of her meds? Did I give her her medicine this morning? Is she eating? On and on...and then I stop long enough to notice that she is still smiling...somehow she is still smiling. Her inner strength is absolutely amazing.

She says to me, "Mommy, can you put the Wiggles on the iPod" and I do it for her without hesitation so that we can dance and dance and dance and try to forget about the elephant in the room.

I am so sick of Leukemia.