Hair

Kaitlyn started losing her hair about a month into treatment and I didn't expect that it would fall out as quickly as it did. Once it started falling out, it came out in clumps, steadily for a few weeks. I couldn't stand it. Every time I touched her head or tried to soothe her, I would have another clump of her beautiful, curly, strawberry blond hair in my hand. It brought tears to my eyes every time. I would get pissed at the nurses that would come into her hospital room and say with a gasp, "oh, what beautiful hair she has" and I would want to bite back and say, "well if you like it so much, why don't you take a clump off the floor!" They should have known better than to say something like that. I was really bitter.

Since that point, she has lost a little here and there to where now she is almost completely bald. I now realize that on the big scale of things, some hair loss is an acceptable side effect compared to the alternative. Her hair will grow back, but SHE is irreplaceable. However, I can't say that I jump for joy about the hair loss and that I don't pray every day for it to start growing back.

Lately, with Kaitlyn reaching maintenance and the possibility of her hair growing back, I have been doing a lot of thinking about hair. When I take her out in public, I always put her in a hat. It's not embarrassment that I feel , but a desire for normalcy. When she wears a hat, she is just another normal kid. But once that hat comes off, she gets "the looks" of pity and I get this pang in my stomach. I try to look the other way. I try not to notice because Kaitlyn may be sick, but she is still a vibrant little girl. So why the looks of pity? Because she doesn't have hair? Or is it because people realize that she has cancer? Maybe I should just start screaming, "I DON'T WANT THE LOOKS OF PITY, WE DON'T NEED THEM!!! SHE IS WINNING, SHE WILL SURVIVE!!!"

Thankfully, Kaitlyn is too young to care about her lack of hair and she never notices "the looks" because she is too busy going about her business and LIVING!

I took these pictures tonight because I think I am starting to see some regrowth and I thought, what if her hair DOES grow back and I miss my opportunity to take pictures of this beautiful bald head! Who knows, it could just be wishful thinking on my part, but if her hair is growing back, I would have been so mad at myself for missing the opportunity to document this part of her survivor story.

And if you have forgotten where she started...

I DON'T WANT THE LOOKS OF PITY, WE DON'T NEED THEM!!! SHE IS WINNING, SHE WILL SURVIVE!!!