Happy Birthday to Me!

Today I turn 35 years old. I have to admit it’s a bit of a scary number. If 70 years is the general life expectancy, it means I’m squarely at my mid-life point. Halfway dead. This scares the crap out of me. I’m not quite yet on the verge of a mid-life crisis, but it does make me think about what has happened in my life up to this point and what is yet to come. Mostly, I am wondering if I will ever find the “right” time to have baby #2. Apparently 35 is the year when your reproductive organs start to deteriorate. You become less fertile than you were at 34 and risks of having babies harmed by your “oldness” increases. UGH! (no pressure, hon :-) I know, I know….many women have babies after 35, in fact, that seems to be more and more normal. But, I just can't help thinking that if it is downhill from here for my reproductive system, than everything else must follow suit. I guess the alternative to not getting older and having more birthdays is to not have them, meaning I'd be dead, which is not really a good option!!

Life has changed quite a bit for me over the past ten years. At 25, I was just starting out on my own and I thought I would take the world by storm. I had dreams of a wonderful RICH husband, 2 HEALTHY children, 1 WELL BEHAVED dog and a LARGE, beautiful home with a white picket fence. At 35, I am realizing that my life is taking shape quite differently than I had planned. In some ways, I feel like life is beating me up. But, I am realizing that in all the ways that matter most, things are coming together so much better for me than I could have imagined. Although not rich, I have an amazing husband. We are not done having children and Katie has certainly struggled in the health department. But, I feel that her illness has taught us all a lot of life lessons and blessed our lives with many wonderful people. Being part of the “secret society” does have some advantages. I have 2 un-trainable dogs, but I love them anyway. And, lastly, I may not have the house of my “dreams”, but I have a home where all my dreams are coming true. I could care less about the white picket fence at this point, I would just be happy to have some green grass!!! lol

I realize I am not "a kid" anymore, but still, strangely, I don't feel quite grown up. Officially, I’m middle-aged now. I have to check off a new box in the ‘age category’ on a survey. My hair is starting to turn gray. I have stiff joints and constant soreness in my lower back. I no longer find the clothes in the jr. section “cute”. It’s all “trashy” and there is NO WAY I would EVER let my daughter out of the house in ANY of it! I find myself saying things that my mother used to say to me when I was a kid. I no longer find it “cool” to go to the mall, now I find it downright exhausting! I listen to talk radio while driving instead of FM radio stations because all the new music is mostly crap that doesn’t make any sense!! I DRIVE A MINIVAN! But, I can still play a mean air guitar to ANY 80’s hair band ballad on my iPod!!! Ew…even that sounded old…lol.

I’m older than I’ve ever been (I guess we can all say that), but most importantly, I am happy with my life. I can look back on my past and see how everything that has happened, all the adversity I have faced has been for a reason. I can’t say that I wouldn’t have changed some things (Katie’s cancer), but I am truly grateful for who I have become because of these things. Life is not easy, but it is worth it. I look forward to exciting things in the future. I embrace my 35 years and look forward to the next 35!