I took a break!

There hasn't been much to post lately so I took a break. Not to mention, I went away last weekend with a group of girlfriends for a scrapbook weekend. With Kaitlyn being in the hospital until the Wednesday before, I was doubtful that I was going to be able to make it up there on Friday, but somehow I did it. I had a great time! Thanks ladies for all the laughs :-)

Kaitlyn is doing really well. She has plenty of energy and is much happier now that she is off the steroids and out of the hospital. She took her last oral chemo pill last night for this phase. She has a clinic visit scheduled for this Thursday where they will take her blood and make sure everything looks good to start Phase III next week. I am sure they will talk to us about putting in her new line and when the surgery is scheduled for. I think Mike & I have decided to go with a "Port-a-cath" which would be placed under the skin. This type of line has much less chance of infection because it is not exposed. And Katie will be able to enjoy baths and swimming when the summertime comes. The only drawback is that it will have to be accessed with a needle every time they need to use it and they wouldn't access it for blood draws, so they would draw blood the way they have been, in her arm or hand. But she reacts to the blood draws the same way she reacts to the dressing changes on her line, so with the port-a-cath, the clinic day would be the only day of "pain" for her instead of the clinic day and the dressing change day. None of it is ideal and I would prefer to not have to put the central line back in at all, but she needs it for her treatment and ultimately that is the most important thing.

I have noticed that Kaityln seems a bit older to me. Maybe it is because she has become a lot more vocal since all of this has started. Maybe it's the loss of innocence I see in her eyes. Maybe it's the loss of innocence in my own eyes. My daughter came out of that hospital last week looking like someone had abused her, complete with bruises and cuts. A mother's guilt is normally bad enough, but looking at those bruises made me feel like such a failure as her protector in life. How could I allow them to do that to my baby? I know that it was all "necessary pain", but it breaks my heart to see her look so damaged, so broken. She is 2 and 1/2 years old, she is not supposed to know what an IV is or what an IV pump sounds like when it stops pumping. She is not supposed to be so tormented that she wakes up in the middle of the night from nightmares. I was supposed to keep her safe from the "bad stuff". It's hard to do that when the "bad stuff" keeps her safe from the "really bad stuff".

I met a woman a few weeks ago whose daughter had just finished treatment. She was diagnosed at 2 & 1/2, like Kaitlyn, and is now 5. She told me that her daughter doesn't remember most of it. And when I said that I was worried about the trauma of it all she replied, "The trauma is ours". I keep hearing that over and over in my mind because if there is any part of this that I can bear for Kaitlyn, it would be the trauma. I would take it all from her if I could, but I am happy to bear the trauma of this nightmare and leave her with a long happy life.